Thursday, March 4, 2010

"It's all about faith and a deeper devotion"- Billy Joel

I am not a super religious freakazoid person and I won't come up to you on the street and hand you a flier saying "repent now or face the eternal flames of damnation" (yes we really have people in ny that hands these fliers out in the subways-especially 42nd st times square in the tunnel by the 7- and on the street corners) and to look at me you wouldnt even think I knew what a prayer is. (I have gone to catholic school all my life...which maybe why people think i am a cyncical unholy unchristlike biatch...suffice to say going to catholic school all those years and being told what to think, how to think, and when to think kind of drives you a little insane and mostly makes you question everything...so as an adult there is alot of stuff about the catholic church i don't agree with). However, I think that every person goes through things in their life whether they are super religous or not that forces them to believe in a higher power. As an actor we are constantly going through ups and downs and definite uncertainties and unknowns. For whatever reason I have felt the turbulence a lot in these past few months and in times when I could be really dragged down and depressed I have found myself looking to prayer and God to get me through. I have definitely felt at the bottom of the barrell scraping the dirt off the floor and thinking im already at my worst i can't get any lower and all i have left to rely on is my faith.Faith that God will protect me and get me through and its weird because even when things seem at their worst for me and i take a moment to pause and say a little prayer thats when things have gotten infintely better.

A while back i was hanging out with someone and i didnt know how much i liked this person until it was over and even though i knew it wasnt right i still couldnt help feeling sad about it because i hadnt had feelings for anyone in a really long time and this person was super awesome... i was pretty bummed about it bcse i was sick of being hurt...but then i realized something...if i cld have feelings for this person like that and open myself up once i will be able to do it again (hopefully) for someone and maybe the next time i do that person will be able to return what i give out...i have faith that someone is out there for me that will be able to make me happy and one day it will be right...so in a way this whole thing was good because it showed me that while it might be extremely hard to want something so much and it not work out it doesnt mean that you will never get it... it just means that i must have faith and believe that there is something better yet to come... I have also applied this principle to my acting...it feels like things are at a standstill right now and its so hard to get anywhere but this is when i think my faith has been the strongest i believe that there is a reason why things haven't happened for me yet and i believe that there is something great out there for me my time just hasn't come yet...I believe...I have faith because at the end of the day i have nothing else to go on and being able to have faith gets me through the day.

I'm def not trying to be preachy or braggy but these things have helped me get through the day so i thought id share just in case you guys find yourself wanting to throw yourself out a window like i sometimes do...have faith cuz i promise it gets you through the rough times...even though its super hard at times...but in my case i think why not...i have nothing more to lose...the only place to go from the bottom is up

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