Thursday, June 19, 2014

get thee to a nunnery..

So for the past week my mom had been staying with my sister and I and obviously the topic of my love life came up (or lack their of)and my mom in all her infinite wisdom came up with a great 'idea' she turns to me all solemn and serious and goes..."i know what you can do Liz, You can enter a convent" yup ok fixed all my problems you are so right mom i should just say f*ck it, give up and tuck myself away in a nunnery to live an old shriveled up lonely life (now don't mistake me i think if that is the life you want and that is the life you choose and that is the life that is going to make you most happy...go for it clearly i'm not one to judge) but to seriously suggest i should become a nun because i am over a certain age and single is just ludicrious. to be a nun cuz you want to is one thing but to suggest it cuz i'm single... seriously mom...seriously? basically you have just said that there is no hope for me ever finding a man so i should just pack it up admit defeat and let jesus be one and only true love (again i love jesus...jesus is the man...but i want an actual man of earth...yes i know jesus was a man on know what i mean) and i know i know i'm a bitch (babe. in . total. control of. herself...see see what i did there i'm so clever...;) basically i am a girl who doesn't put up with bullshit so yes maybe that is why i am still single but i honestly refuse to believe that its becuase guys are scared of me and i am hello don't guys like a challenge and what they can't have...don't they like the chase...i'm right here ....go ahead chase me (jk...ok not really) but i am of the firm belief and i have said it time and time again (no not that i am a gay man trapped in a womans body...although i tend to think i am...just ask my friends i am the queenist queen of them all) but that if a guy is really interested in you and he really wants to be with you he will. that's it. period end of story. and all those other excuses are just bullshit...(i'm not ready for a relationship...i'm not finacially stable...i have a sick mom....blah blah blah and ok he might have a sick mom or whatever but i'm sure if he liked you enough he would make time to see you) and yes i know a lot of this probably sounds regurgitated from the book and that fine cinematic gem "he's just not that into you" and yes partly but also a lot of this is from my own cold hard reality ( and yes i know i probably don't have a man becuase i honestly think like a dude...i don't think guys are that complicated i think it is us girls that complicate them ....we make excuses because we don't want to believe the simple fact....that these guys just don't like us that much....ok ok i know i seem harsh but that is truth because if they did...guess what...they would jump through hoops of flaming fire if a girl they really liked asked them too....yes i know i sound bitter but i have just dealt with a lot of douchebaggery and i'm kind of just over it...don't come my way spewing your insincere bullshit because i will call you on it. I have been in plenty of situations where guys have said to me "i like you a lot but i don't want a girlfriend" translation...('liz i just don't want you to be my girlfriend' and that's fine i know that and you know that so just man up and be honest about who says i want you to be my boyfriend...lamo) or the "i really like you i'm just not in a stable place in my life..." to which i retorted with a "actually that's not true ....that's what you think it's just that you don't like me that much...but don't worry eventually you will find someone that you do and all of the things that you think are preventing you from dating me just won't matter" yes i actually said that...and yes a few months later that is exactly what happened. so see its not just a theory i do have proof...i should be a scientist cuz i am real smrt. (yes i left out the "a" that was on purpose...haha...i should also be a comedian cuz i'm hilarious) I tend to think that the dating least for me is like that ride in disney world appropriately named dinosaur. in the ride you are basically trying to find the one perfect dinosaur to take back home with you but you have to go through all the wrong dinosaurs to find him...oh yeah and at the end one of them tries to eat you (get my metaphor;)) but eventually you find the right one and it comes home with you...yeah i'm still talking about the basically i guess i got to go through all the wrong dino's before i can get the right one...but watch out boys i'll be the one almost eating you...but i don't and that should say something right i guess let me apologize in advance for anyone who wants to date me...i'll probably make your life a living hell for a little bit...but hey fuck you if you like me you'll keep coming back and eventually....well i guess you'll just have to keep coming back so i can finish that sentence ;) happy hunting

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